Monday, August 27, 2007

Nothing much going on

Not much lesbian news in my life at the moment. I'm listening obsessively to Tegan and Sara's new album, "The Con" (so good!) and watching South of Nowhere online (also so good!) and that's pretty much it. It may have something to do with my social life being limited to work and my dog right now, due to circumstances out of my control, that all things gay are coming to me only through music and television rather than through real life experiences...
However, there's always one thing or another to tell. Such as the slight mental breakdown I had this weekend after spending an entire day with older relatives. Basically, I attended a luncheon to celebrate my grandfather's 85th birthday and almost suffocated on the celebration of heterosexuality that was going on. Everyone was so incredibly narrowminded and heteronormative and I think it reacted with my PMS in an unfortunate way because I cried my way home in the backseat of my parents' car.
Exaggerated reaction? Possibly.
I'm just so incredibly used to being open with my sexuality in all settings but with my grandfather, I've never really gotten the chance to come out. I don't see him all that often and I guess I just don't know how to tell him. So basically every time I see him or other old old relatives, there come the questions: "So, do you have a boyfriend yet?" To which I reply honestly that "No, that's not really my thing". The only problem is: They don't get it.
I was trying to explain to my parents why this is so upsetting to me. That I have never ever had issues with my sexuality (coming out was relatively painless for me, even though my mother took it horribly) but that the generational gap somehow makes it so very hard for me and that I feel made to be ashamed by those relatives that go on and on about their grandchildren that are getting married to such nice young men, blablabla. Well, my parents were so comforting and sweet about it, telling me that it's just another generation and they don't understand it.
Thing is though: I know my parents would never walk in a Pride parade, under the PFLAG banner. I know that regardless of how much they love me and are proud of me in other aspects of my life, they'll never be particularly proud of the fact that I am openly gay. And that hurts, because to me that means that they don't love ALL of me, and they're not proud of ALL of me. They speak so proudly and easily of my sister and her boyfriend, something they would never do of me and a girlfriend. I know it and they know it, even though they might not admit it.

4 comments:

Ro said...

If I may hit the pause button for a moment. Not hitting the Pride parade doesn't necessarily mean they'll never be proud of you. Being gay is only part of who you are. From what you say, your parents have come a long way.

Have you ever wondered how it would be like to have a kid say "I'm different"? Maybe they think they've failed as parents, or maybe they're battling their own homophobia, surely they have to contend with other's gossip and such. What I am suggesting is that you try to see it from their point of view. It's not a matter of who is right or wrong. It's all about acceptance and tolerance. Maybe they could learn it from the example you set. Remember that they, like you, also have a right to be who they want to be.

As to feeling ashamed about relatives and such, sorry to tell you, but, you and only you, are responsible for how you feel.

This is just my opinion from what you wrote. Seems as though you're unconsciously seeking everyone's approval, and hey, that's ok, it feels good to have the approval of people we care about. Just don't forget that the only approval that matters is your own (and I say this in a totally non-narcissistic way --lol).

Paula the Surf Mom said...

You know I was born deaf... I was also born a lesbian...

I'm sure my family was not happy I was born deaf and I'm sure they would have rather I'd been straight
but that was just the way is was... after everyone accepts both facts, things are not so bad for anyone... and I did manage to produce some grand children for the family so that made everything a bit better...

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jhimbob said...

i love tegan and sara's album as well, its awesome.