Frienship, love, something?

Still hanging out with Ex-Gaybor. And feeling more and more, for every time we see each other, that we are just not going to be anything more than friends. I like her enough, she's a cute and sweet girl, but there is just no chemistry and we're not getting beyond the hand holding and the timid kisses. And trust me: I have a sex drive, a major sex drive. So it's very weird when I don't want to jump someone that I'm dating. But we just don't have that, I don't think about her that way.

I guess I was hoping that it would change with time, but I'm realizing that nope, this is permanent. So now I just have to break it to her. And I hate breaking something like that to someone.

But then again: I can't keep doing this, seeing her and pretending that eventually this is going to turn into something more than it is now. All it's leading to is a whole lot of anxiety from my side. I feel like I'm misleading her and that for every day that passes she's getting more and more entangled in my web. I did have a talk with her last week, in which I aired my ambivalence about my feelings towards her, so it won't be taken completely out of nowhere when I tell her I think we're better off just being friends... and that makes me feel slightly better. But still not very good.

The good thing in all this is that I'm now entering that phase in my dating cycle where I feel perfectly content being single and have understood that dating is not for me. Nope, I'm oh so happy with my drama free single life and from now on and I won't try and force a relationship, I'll just fall into it when I fall in love.

(Remind me of that when I start complaining about how boring single life is and want to get back into dating mode.)

And the reasons keep on coming...

My dating comes in cycles. I'm single, I get bored (not to mention horny), I start thinking that I should find myself a girlfriend. So I go out on the prowl. I revisit gay community websites where I search through the profiles in my city, striking up cyber convoes that sometimes lead to meeting up. I go out to clubs with my friends and actually make an effort to talk to women and perhaps even ask for someone's phone number. I ask my friends to set me up on dates. And then comes the date. Sometimes one is enough for me to say "no more" and return to the comfort of my single life that suddenly doesn't seem boring at all, just very very safe. Sometimes I date a couple of women, not being deterred so easily. But I always end up in the same place: Thinking that all women (at least the queer ones) are insane, and reconsidering religion, since a convent seems like a perfectly viable option. Living a simple life that comes complete with eternal vows of celibacy... what's not to love? I've yet to actually end up in a convent, mainly because it seems religiousity seems to be a criteria for most, but I do always retreat to my apartment which isn't much different from a nunnery, at least as far as the amount of sex that goes on here. In fact, I think the nuns get way more action than I do. But that's a tangent. The point is, the cycle goes: Bored with single life - looking for dates - going on dates - running home, terrified - loving the safety of single life... and then back to bored with single life. So what is it about these dates that are so scary? Well, either they like me too much, as was the case with one very nice girl. She was pretty sane and everything. But, turns out she was either very prude or just completely asexual. All this girl wanted to do was cuddle. Once in a while she'd want to make out, but just for about 15 seconds, then it was all about the cuddling. I don't mind cuddling, but it was really to the point of something absurd. Cuddle Girl and I lasted about three weeks and then I moved on, breaking her heart in the process (which was absolutely horrible, sitting opposite her with her shaky lower lip and tears in her eyes). Then there was the girl I like to call simply Inner Journey Girl. GREAT chemistry, but she was absolutely bonkers. On our second date I felt the need to explain I didn't want to rush into anything, since I was sensing she was already in the process of looking up U-haul rates. She nodded her head in agreement and said it sounded like we were on the same page, and how she didn't want to rush into anything either. Yeah right. Two minutes later she was telling me how I was everything she ever searched for in a woman and how this was something she'd never felt before, and how did I feel about signing up for tango lessons? When I called her up a week later or so and said I didn't think we should see each other anymore I mentioned maybe I'd see her at the women's club we both frequent the upcoming Saturday. She rambled about how she wasn't sure she would be able to make it since she was planning a journey. A journey home. To the center of her. An inner journey. Hence nick-named Inner Journey Girl. So there they are: Two more reasons why I don't date much.

Conversations with an ex

I must say, I never quite got the whole thing about lesbian exes. I didn't understand why alla women who were at some point in a relationship with one another had to stay friends forever and ever after the love was over and done with. It's like it's some default setting: No matter how bad the break-up, former lovers drift into a new kind of relationship, a friendship built on past intimace..sis? Well, whatever, I never quite got it: But now I do. See now I have my own ex-lover turned friendship relationship and it's fantastic, I must say. We stay on the phone for hours talking about everything there is to talk about. We have the same taste in movies and music. We have interesting discussions on politics and current events. We talk about our past, the difficult teen years, our childhood. And about the future, what lies ahead. You know, normal friend stuff. But we also analyze our time toghether as a couple to bits and pieces, which easily turns some of our conversations into therapy sessions (really good ones at times!). We talk about sex. Which I do with my other friends as well, but let me tell you: It's on a whole different level when you're talking about sex with someone you've actually had sex with. And well, we talk about all those things that we talk about from that special perspective of having been in love with one another. We tease each other and people who don't know us tend to think that we're a couple when they first meet us. And I guess that's where it can get tricky... Because where is the line drawn between friendship and love? Personally, I don't believe in a strict line between the two. I think there's a continuum between the two and a whole lot of overlap between them. I think there are sexual friendships, romantic friendships, just plain friendships, friendly love, sexual love and so on and so on. And I don't know where The Ex and I stand in the chaos of words. All I know is this: We once were lovers, now we're not. But we're friends. Real good, supportive friends. And that's all I need to know.

Me and The Ex, had we been born some hundred years ago and looked completely different

Oh yeah, just to make clear: I still don't get the whole default "we have to be friends" settings. Come on ladies! Just because we went on a few dates does not mean we have to be bound to each other for life in some way. If we want to go our separate ways after two dates I say: "Lets!" If we think we're not a fit romantically speaking but we have great chemistry friendship-wise, I say: "Great!" But please please please explain to me why we should keep seeing each other for months after we realized we had nothing in common? (Or am I the only one who realizes these things?) Yup, I think we've just established reason nr 1 of why I don't date much. More to come!