Report from Celibate Land

I went away for a while. Not so much physically - I've still been lounging around my apartment, as usual - but as far as the blogging goes. I suppose making a pledge to be celibate for life makes for really boring blogging material, and so I wasn't very inspired to write. And my gawd, my life sure has been boring these past few months. I've basically worked lots and spent a whole lot of quality time with my dog. Well, that's not completely true. I've managed to fit in a few weekend excursions to visit dear friends I don't get to see very often. I've spent fun times with the friends I do get to see quite often. I spent part of these past months struggling with a bad cold that later turned into an eye infection and sinusitis, and in the process I watched a whole lot of movies and good tv-shows (yeah, not very exciting, I know).

Welcome to Celibate Land!

Regardless of how the past few months have been, I'm now inspired to write again because things are a-stirring.

First things first: I have a sex date. Yes, it's true. A woman I've only met once before will traveling down to my end of the country for a weekend of meaningless sex. And that is for sure: This will be sex and nothing else. It might be meaningful in the sense that I'll be getting laid for the first time in forever, but that's all the meaning it will hold. And I couldn't be more thrilled!

Secondly: A friend of mine just called me and wants to set me up on a blind date with a girl she claims is beautiful and on the look-out for a good woman. She pleaded me to agree to go out with this girl, something that really wasn't necessary considering how bored I've been with myself and my love life lately. But she probably did so based on our previous experiences with her matchmaking efforts (hint: they haven't worked out too good).

What can I say? I'm getting excited about my life for the first time in quite a while! And that may sound slightly tragic, like I'm this single just walking around feeling worthless... but that couldn't be further from the truth! I just happen to think that I'm quite a catch and that I shouldn't be thrown out of the "people-with-a-healthy-sex-life"-group quite yet...

"I just want to go out and get laid"

It's Friday afternoon, I'm home early from work and feeling the need to write a quick entry before heading off to the country side for a quiet, restful weekend with my sis and our dogs.

I saw Ex-Gaybor yesterday and I managed to work up the nerve to tell her, straight out, that I don't think we're romantically compatible. I told her I'd still like to hang out with her, but that I feel that we are better off as just friends and she took it really calmly and matter of factly. And then we switched to some other, very non-charged topic of discussion. Felt sort of silly getting so riled up and nervous about it, really. It feels like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders now though. I'm so happy and excited to be totally uncomplicatedly no-strings attached single again!

But I still really need to get laid.

Thing is, I really am a happy single gal, most of the time. Once in a while I'll start feeling really lonely but it doesn't take long to remind myself of my great friends, my dog, and my family and then I don't feel very lonely at all anymore. So my biggest issue tends to be: The lack of sex. As I've mentioned before, I have a major sex drive. Unfortunately, it very seldom gets used to it's maximum capacity. Right now it's been about six months since I last had sex. With The Ex, one drunken night. And I need to get me some sex.

Problem is, I am somehow challenged in the scoring department. I'm the queen of making out, but I can't seem to take the step to the bedroom. I blame it on my bed. It's the magic bed that makes women want to talk about their feelings. Or maybe it has something to do with me being a social worker. Regardless, every time a woman's in my bed and all i want to do it get it on, all she wants to do is talk about her feelings or about past relationships or whatever other issues she has. Case in point: Sleep Over Girl.

Right now I'm putting all my hope to Stockholm Pride. "I am not afraid, I will get laid. I am not afraid I will get laid", say it with me: "I am not afraid, I will get laid..."

Mantras are good shit.

Frienship, love, something?

Still hanging out with Ex-Gaybor. And feeling more and more, for every time we see each other, that we are just not going to be anything more than friends. I like her enough, she's a cute and sweet girl, but there is just no chemistry and we're not getting beyond the hand holding and the timid kisses. And trust me: I have a sex drive, a major sex drive. So it's very weird when I don't want to jump someone that I'm dating. But we just don't have that, I don't think about her that way.

I guess I was hoping that it would change with time, but I'm realizing that nope, this is permanent. So now I just have to break it to her. And I hate breaking something like that to someone.

But then again: I can't keep doing this, seeing her and pretending that eventually this is going to turn into something more than it is now. All it's leading to is a whole lot of anxiety from my side. I feel like I'm misleading her and that for every day that passes she's getting more and more entangled in my web. I did have a talk with her last week, in which I aired my ambivalence about my feelings towards her, so it won't be taken completely out of nowhere when I tell her I think we're better off just being friends... and that makes me feel slightly better. But still not very good.

The good thing in all this is that I'm now entering that phase in my dating cycle where I feel perfectly content being single and have understood that dating is not for me. Nope, I'm oh so happy with my drama free single life and from now on and I won't try and force a relationship, I'll just fall into it when I fall in love.

(Remind me of that when I start complaining about how boring single life is and want to get back into dating mode.)

I'm getting myself into a mess

Well, we are officially dating, Ex-Gaybor and I. And I'm already looking for exit strategies. I don't think I want this. I'm torn between giving us a real chance and running for the hills, since I'm honestly just not feeling a connection or chemistry between us. Trouble is: I think she is. Yup, I think she's really into me. Man, what a problem to have, huh? But it is a problem when the thing you're the most scared of is to break someone's heart. I can stand having my own heart broken, I'm fine with that, I've had lots of practice and it's a role I feel comfortable in. But being the heartbreaker: No, no, no. We'll see where this goes.

The long awaited kiss

Well, to call it a "kiss" is almost stretching it. It was more of a peck, on the lips.

I finally took the first step, since it was becoming blatantly obvious that Ex-Gaybor wasn't about to. And she didn't give me any great openings ever. I feel like I've been waiting for a moment to lean in and plant one on her since the first time we met up, but what do you know: That moment that I've experienced so many times before, where you look at each other and think about kissing each other before coyly looking away - it never happened. Instead I walked her to the bus stop for the third time, at the end of our third date. The rain was pouring down and I was making small talk, trying to open up for an opportunity to naturally bring up the whole "where's this going" angle. I jokingly asked if she often meets girls online. She responded that no, that pretty much never happened. I said it was nice hanging out with someone I really felt I clicked with and she agreed, but in a very casual way.

Finally, we were standing at the bus stop and I realized I didn't have many minutes to make my move. And I'd be damned if I let another date go by with no progress. And so, i asked her what was going on with us:

Me: "Umm... So, this is kind of weird. But I'll just be honest and lay it out there: We've been hanging out quite a bit and, well, I'm wondering where we're headed. Are we friends? Are we more than friends? Do we have potential to be more than friends?"

Ex-Gaybor: "I don't know... Crap, I'm really bad at this stuff. I guess, maybe a little bit more than friends?"

Me: "Okay... Well, then maybe it's alright if I say goodbye like this?"

At which point I leaned in and kissed her. The kiss was extremely timidly responded. And then the bus was arriving and we just said goodbye, said we'd call each other, and I took off on my bike.

By the time I got home I'd received a text message from her, saying she felt really akward and wished she had handled the situation better. I responded I could probably benefit from taking a class on how to make a first move, but she replied that I should give myself lots of credit for making the move because if left up to her she probably wouldn't have had the guts to do anything.

Then I called The Ex up in a fit of anxiety wondering if I really want to get into this mess. I always feel like I'm going into a mess when I'm starting something with someone... what's that about?

Long date, no kiss

So, my second date with Ex-Gaybor lasted for about 27 hours.

We started out at her place in the early afternoon of midsummer's eve, watching movies and talking and playing with my dog. We made plans with The Ex and a friend of her's (H) to have dinner together before going to the party at the Acquaintance's. I told Ex-Gaybor that The Ex was my ex, figuring I might as well get that out of the way, mentioning how stereotypical it was that one of my best friends was my ex. Ex-Gaybor got kind of quiet when I mentioned that and I asked her if she had any close friendships with her exes. She replied "no" and got even quieter, so I just dropped the subject.

We made our way home to The Ex where we all joined together to cook a delicious vegan midsummer dinner. We had a nice time and everyone was getting along, although we may have been trash-talking couples a bit too much, for me being out on a date and all... But old habits die hard I suppose. After dinner Ex-Gaybor and I walked back to my place and dropped of the pooch before meeting up again with The Ex and H by the Acquaintance's place where we entered and mingled away. I was drinking, a was most everyone else, but in moderate amounts. Ex-Gaybor was not drinking at all, due to having a persistent cold. The Acquaintance and I were flirtatious with each other as per usual I suppose, though I'm still not sure if it's flirtation or just regular friendliness, it's hard to tell with some folk.

I got a moment alone with The Ex and asked her all about what she thought of Ex-Gaybor. She was really positive, thought she was cute and nice and lovely and also mentioned that she was surprised it wasn't harder to see me with someone else.

The Ex: "I thought it would be difficult to see you with someone new, but really, it isn't. And if I were to imagine you with a new girlfriend this would be it!"

Me: "Really? I still don't know if we're hitting it off as more than friends, I'm not sure she's interested in me in that way."

The Ex: "Are you kidding? There's a whole looking back and forth electricity thing going on between the two of you. There's definitely sparkage."

So I was convinced something would happen this night. I had hope. We had already decided she would spend the night at my place and when we walked home I was convinced there was at the very least a make-out session in store for me.

Instead: Lots and lots of talking. I think I'm cursed or something. Well, I know I share the blame here, I should've just made a move. But I swear I could not for the life of me find a moment where it seemed possible for me to kiss her. And the more time that passed, the harder it became. So we just lay in bed, side by side, talking about coming out, and having gay or straight friends (more or less all my friends are queer, more or less all her friends are straight), and trying to meet someone. And it became more obvious why she clammed up on the question about exes: I don't think she has any. Seriously! On our first date we established that she hadn't had a boyfriend since 5th grade and then on our second date we established that she came out at the age of 16 and then nothing happened. She kept thinking it would happen for her eventually, but no. She started at university, still nothing.

I felt bad for her but also I was thinking about how innocent she seemed. Does this mean she's a virgin? We've already established that all women I've slept with, I've been their first woman, but first-first? At the age of 21? Shit that's a lot to live up to!

Either way, like I said, I'm not sure she's angling for that at all. In one way I think she desperately wants to meet someone, have a girlfriend, get laid. And in anothe way I think she's just really excited to have met a lesbian friend who has the whole crew of dykes and bi girls and goes to gay bars and all that cool stuff she's only seen on tv before. And I feel like we've crossed some kind of line, both in how long we've hung out without anything romantic happening and with what our conversations are about. Let's just say: I'm confused.

The morning after we woke up, had breakfast and did a whole lot of nothing for the rest of the day, until she took the bus home at 5-6 p.m. We watched movies, bad tv-shows, took the dog for a walk, talked and talked some more... and that was that.

So, a 27 hour date, with no romantic action what so ever. That's got to be a record or something... Or was it even a date? And what makes a date a date? Is there a list of criterias I should know about? Can you ever know if a date is a date until afterwards? I should go back to reading "Same Sex in the City", try and find some answers there...

Venturing into Date Land

I braved the entrance to Date Land and lived to tell. (Go me!) I'd been talking to Ex-Gaybor quite a bit online and on Wednesday she made the suggestion that we meet up Thursday evening for a beer. Now, she had suggested a meeting the previous Sunday, but I declined - partly because I eventually had other plans but partly because, well, I chickened out. This time I decided to be brave and all that good stuff and we decided on a place and time. We live in neighboring cities and she graciously offered to come to my neck of the woods.

We met up at 9 pm, after my appointment at the vet (my dog is cured, yay!) and after her soccer practice. We recognized each other from that year of helloing each other in the stairway back when we were neighbors and greeted with a hug. Then we found our way to a decent place with out doors seating, beer and food. And it was great! We talked talked talked. And don't think there was a quiet moment, or at least no akward silences, from the time we met up to the time we parted, at the bus stop four hours later. We talked about our lives, our back grounds, movies/books/music, coming out... nothing heavy really, just light conversation and lots of laughing. After finishing our beers and getting a little bit cold, since the weather decided to change from super hot summer to cold fall or spring in a span of two days, we decided to walk back to my place where the great conversation continued. She met my dog and they got along brilliantly (check), she has a sense of humor (check), she seems to be on somewhat the same political spectrum as I am (check), she showed no signs of mental illness (check, with a reservation as those things tend to reveal themselves with time), and she's very cute (check).

What else could a girl ask for?

Well, there was no kissing, no hand holding, no romantic action what so ever. So that seed of doubt was planted: Was it even a date? Or were we just two people meeting up as friends? Still, I've decided to think of it as a date. And as a damn good first date in fact! We definitely clicked, but if it's as friends or as more than that will have to develop naturally, I suppose. All I can say is that there's definitely an attraction from my side.

Since the "date" we've been texting each other on a daily basis and she's written that she enjoyed spending time with me and that it's great to meet someone you can be so comfortable with from the get go, AND a somewhat random message about feeling blessed to be a lesbian so she won't have to spend her life with an obnoxious man, despite knowing that there are plenty of great guys out there and plenty of dysfunctional lesbian relationships. And I've spent the last few days analysing every word with friends and pondering how to make a move. I just suck at making the first move and first kisses tend to come painfully slow for me (unless I'm drunk, then I'm a total kissing slut). But next time we're planning to meet up to watch a movie so maybe, just maybe, I'll push past those inhibitions and go for it. Or just go for The Ex's suggestion and drink heavily before the movie watching.