Less than two weeks to go before my sex date is standing in my hallway and... well, we'll see where it goes from there. I'm excited and nervous and feeling a little bit of performace anxiety. It's been a good long while since I've had sex. And regardless of my long dry spell, I'm always nervous before the first time with a new woman. I must say, I never encountered these issues back in the day when I was sleeeping with men. It might in part have to do with the fact that I was younger then, but I believe it has a great deal to do with gender roles and sexuality. With men it wasn't all that difficult to be good in bed. I was confident, aggressive, and wild and I rarely, if ever, felt that I was lacking. With women, it's a whole different bussiness. All women are so very different in what they like, what they don't like, what pleases and what doesn't. I realize that men are different as well, but I suppose I've found that with men it's more in the details the preferences differ while with women there can be very specific and basic dos and don'ts. Why that's the case?
*DISCLAIMER: I will now go into a rant about sexuality, gender, and socializing. Be warned!*
Well, I'm of that queer school of thinking where I believe gender differences are socially constructed, and while I won't bore you to tears with a tirade on the role of sexuality in the hierarchy of societal structure, I do believe that men and women are taught to have very separate takes on sexuality.
The heterosexual paradigm rules that men and women are supposed to be complimentary, that's part of it. And I realize that's where many of my thoughts stem from. With men there's an assumtion that they always want sex and that all sex is good for them, while women will agree to put out every once in a while in exchange for love and safety. Complete bullshit, of course, and most of us know that, rationally speaking. But it's one of those socially embedded norms that lurks beneath the surface and can influence even the most enlightened feminist. I sure as hell know I've been a victim of it! Like I was saying: Back in the day when I was still sleeping with men I could spot a guy, decide I wanted to sleep with him, and proceed to make it happen. With women I shyly stand around waiting for the girl I have my eye on to make her move, not wanting to come off as aggressive or make her uncomfortable. I've discussed this with many of my bisexual friends, whom also confess to having a complete double standard when it comes to picking up men and picking up women. Has our femininst awareness that's made us so good at claiming what we want when it comes to men backfired in the sapphic cruising department? Or have the many years we've spent as victims (in various, individual ways) as women in a male dominated world taken it's toll so that we are terrified in same-sex settings of taking on the male "villain" role? Loosly formed thoughts, but it's been on my mind, what can I say... *Rant over* Okay, back to what I started writing about: My sex date. Basically I'm excited, but scared. I'm thrilled we both know what's going to happen and that we'll hopefully avoid the akward "who'll make the first move" dance. I've heard through the grapevine that the woman in question, let's call her Miss Sex, is very excited about coming to visit and has been talking up a storm about it (yes, we are already connected on the chart... thus gossip ensues). I'm feeling the pressure, especially what with her being quite experienced and all my sexual experience with women being confined to girl-on-girl virgins. I've always said I really wanted to have sex with an experienced woman though, and here I am, getting what I've asked for. Sweet!
Really this whole straight girl thing isn't as new to me as I'd like to make it seem. It seems that I attract straight people. Straight men hit on me, straight women hit on me... in fact, even gay guys take an interest in me (although completely non-romantic of course) when I'm out and about. The cruel hand that fate has dealt me is that everyone seems to find me somewhat interesting except the lesbians and bisexuals. But sometimes a "straight girl" is only a bisexual grrl in the making. Now, I really don't want to come across as a predatory lesbian (my friends will testify I'm anything but that) but let's look at the facts: 