Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Conversations with an ex

I must say, I never quite got the whole thing about lesbian exes. I didn't understand why alla women who were at some point in a relationship with one another had to stay friends forever and ever after the love was over and done with. It's like it's some default setting: No matter how bad the break-up, former lovers drift into a new kind of relationship, a friendship built on past intimace..sis? Well, whatever, I never quite got it: But now I do. See now I have my own ex-lover turned friendship relationship and it's fantastic, I must say. We stay on the phone for hours talking about everything there is to talk about. We have the same taste in movies and music. We have interesting discussions on politics and current events. We talk about our past, the difficult teen years, our childhood. And about the future, what lies ahead. You know, normal friend stuff. But we also analyze our time toghether as a couple to bits and pieces, which easily turns some of our conversations into therapy sessions (really good ones at times!). We talk about sex. Which I do with my other friends as well, but let me tell you: It's on a whole different level when you're talking about sex with someone you've actually had sex with. And well, we talk about all those things that we talk about from that special perspective of having been in love with one another. We tease each other and people who don't know us tend to think that we're a couple when they first meet us. And I guess that's where it can get tricky... Because where is the line drawn between friendship and love? Personally, I don't believe in a strict line between the two. I think there's a continuum between the two and a whole lot of overlap between them. I think there are sexual friendships, romantic friendships, just plain friendships, friendly love, sexual love and so on and so on. And I don't know where The Ex and I stand in the chaos of words. All I know is this: We once were lovers, now we're not. But we're friends. Real good, supportive friends. And that's all I need to know.

Me and The Ex, had we been born some hundred years ago and looked completely different

Oh yeah, just to make clear: I still don't get the whole default "we have to be friends" settings. Come on ladies! Just because we went on a few dates does not mean we have to be bound to each other for life in some way. If we want to go our separate ways after two dates I say: "Lets!" If we think we're not a fit romantically speaking but we have great chemistry friendship-wise, I say: "Great!" But please please please explain to me why we should keep seeing each other for months after we realized we had nothing in common? (Or am I the only one who realizes these things?) Yup, I think we've just established reason nr 1 of why I don't date much. More to come!


Broken said...

Hello there. I'm in the same relationship you're talking about. Difference is, I'm still pining for my ex and that sometimes interferes with our friendship. We're best friends in the world and spend a lot of time together. We even live with each other most of the time. We talk about everything like you and your ex do but sometimes I feel lonely because I feel that she's not mine in that exclusive way anymore so I feel scared and depressed. I don't know how long you've broken up with your ex in order to be able to maintain such normalcy as friends but my break up is still fresh and I'm hoping it's a temporary thing. Sigh.

Anonymous said...

SeriouslY I think it's selfish and narcissistic. Most considerate people wouldn't carry exes in their back pocket (to inflate their insecurities and ego) because they know that even the most understanding partner would feel hurt by this kind of relationship (even if they SAID they were okay with it). I say either get couples therapy and get back together or move on without each other and find mature relationships, not based on high school behavior.

Signed a lesbian who almost turned straight again with ALL this lesbian game playing.

Anonymous said...

I think it really is different for lesbians than it is for hetero couples. People keep saying "straight couples don't become friends after they date so why should lesbians?" But there is a difference. Women are communicators and with both parties willing they can process a breakup in ways that straight couples never can. Of course you have to be smart about it too and recognize when all this processing is dragging out and causing you harm. I am a HUGE proponent of taking a long break from your ex before trying to become friends. If there is still friendship potential after all the angst has subsided then it can be a very healthy and rewarding friendship.