Internet love

I recently got back in touch with a woman with whom I used to have an eerie sort of connection. We've never met, but we've been in contact with each other online for years, and a few years back we somehow fell in love with one another. We would send each other letters, packages, and call each other to revel in hearing the other one's voice. It was sweet and while we were realistic and knew that we would probably never get around to meeting (living on different parts of the globe and all) we cherished the connection we had and called it on what it was: We were in love, as strange as it might seem.

Then we drifted apart, as these things go. We felt the need to move on with our lives, and I know I struggled with the feeling that I was using my Internet Love as an excuse to hide from finding love in my real, non-cyber world. We've still been in touch, from time to time. An email here, a quick phone call there. A while back we started emailing back and forth for a bit. Internet Love was going through a rough phase and I could identify with a lot of what she was writing. I told her to call me if things got rough and she needed to talk, which she did the very next evening! Turns out she's planning a trip to come and see me and figured she'd throw out the idea there for me to say yay or nay. It was, of course, a big ol' YAY on my part. So hopefully she'll make it here this summer and we'll get a couple of quality days together. She made it clear there were no expectations what so ever on her part, other than having a nice, chill time. I'm definitely not expecting anything to happen, but it will be very interesting to see if that spark we've experienced over the phone and the internet will translate in a face to face meeting...

In other news: My dog is sick and I'm worried sick about her. I'm not so stressed about work anymore: In fact, I'm rather enjoying it. And I've been watching Twin Peaks today and sometimes I really think the only thing that separates me from the Log Lady is a couple of years of sexless existense and a minor nervous breakdown.

"Come then! My log does not judge!"

From thought to action

It's a long way from thinking that you're going to venture into the world of dating and actually going on dates. I've been doing my part though which has involved a lot of internetting. I'm chatting to a lovely fellow dog owner on a LGBT community-site and The Acquaintence and I are working hard on finding a moment when we can meet up for coffee. So far it's all about sitting in front of the computer though, none of that actual IRL stuff. Also I've been out of town for a few days, with work and now I'm exhausted, so maybe sitting in front of the computer is about as much as I can handle at the moment.

At the conference I was attending there was a girl I recognized from a previous conference and we got to chatting. Mid-talk she asked me how old I was, quickly explaining that that's not something she normally asks. It's just that at the big conference we attended in April she was surrounded by a bunch of male colleagues in the 20-30 age bracket. These young guys had apparently referred to me as "the finest girl at the conference" (yup, that's a quote) and fought about who should "get me", as in "she's mine", "no, she's mine!". Flattering, of course, but I couldn't help but laugh and mention the irony of the whole situation. My colleague was of course laughing her ass off as I told this girl that the ironic thing is that I'm a big lesbo, so they could fight all they wanted but they had nothing to collect with me. First her jaw dropped and then she lit up in a smile and did a little victory gesture, making it known that she couldn't wait to tell her colleagues that the chick they were checking out was a dyke and that she had a bigger chance of scoring with me than they did.

There was no scoring what so ever at the conference though. Sadly.

Sleepless nights and all that good stuff...

I'm stressed out. About work. About life. I forget what came first in the vicious stress cycle, but one invariably affects the other. Yesterday I couldn't fall asleep for some reason and all I can say is I am sooo ready for vacation time to roll around. Soon soon...

In other, lesbian news: The Ex and I talked and walked today. The talk revolved around our issues, with sex and love and relationships, as is often the case with our talks. She tried to convince me that I will find someone very special and have an amazing relationship and that it's only a matter of time before that happens (of course! Natalie must be on her way!). I pouted and hissed in disbelief, and then it was my turn to convince the Ex that she'll definitely find someone way before I do. And then we play-fought about who's more fucked up. Oh the fun.

I am slowly recovering from my pathetic attempted one-night stand two weeks ago. Yup, I'm crawling up from that dusty pit I've been in, brushing myself off and venturing out into the world. All this stress and sexual frustration must be channelled into some purpose and I figure it might as well be dating, so here I go, I'm making an effort. In two weeks I'm having a party and I'll be damned if I won't gather at least a few women with potential... Maybe my guy friend will bring along Straight Girl, if I ask him? And then there's The Acquaintance, that girl I've been in contact with, in one way or another, for several years. I've always been interested in her, but I've never managed to develop it beyond acquaintanceship due to circumstances and bad timing.

Finally: Yay, people are reading my blog! Thank you to those two of you that have left comments so far!

Happy IDAHO... or not so happy?

Today is IDAHO (International Day Against Homophobia), a time to stop and think about all the homophobia that exists in our society and how it effects every single one of us, gay or straight, in our daily lives. I went to a manifestation this evening and there were quite a few of us out there, supporting the cause. Some shit went down as well... Let's just say that it was made very clear that homophobia is an ever-present factor in our society and it manifested itself in some ugly events tonight. Everyone's okay though. I just hope that the day will come when a day against homophobia is no longer necessary. And until then I hope we all make an effort to make every day a day against homophobia. It does warm your heart, being surrounded by friends of varying gender and sexual orientation, all standing together in the fight to love and live freely.

On a lighter note, every time I hear "IDAHO" all I can think of is this shirt:

Also, it was fascinating seeing all the dykes from the women's club I frequent sober and in day light. A new experience, to say the least. Inner Journey Girl was there, and we hugged and exchanged pleasentries as is customary. The Ex was out of town and couldn't be there, but I did get a semi-strange textmessage from her, exclaiming how much she cares for me. I'm thinking she was drunk. Regardless, it's nice to hear how loved I am.

Every time I blink I have a tiny dream

I've been in a shitty mood this past week. Work's been exhausting, physically and emotionally. My private life can best be described as "blah". And my mind has been running around all over the place. I talked to some friends but soon decided that I wasn't meant to be social right now, since everything I said came out sounding pessimistic and bitter. Sunday night I actually had a little mini-break down, realizing that I was feeling desperately lonely for the first time in ages. I've been single for a long time and that's all good, goddess knows I love my me time. But suddenly I wasn't just feeling alone but rather extremely lonely. Well, I cried a little, wrote a long email to a dear friend in which I poured my heart out, and ate lots of chocolate (not necessarily in that order).

I feel better now, but the aftermath of the mini-break down still haunt me and I'm working to find new ways to deal with my thoughts of a bleak future in which I die alone and no one comes to my funeral. Somehow Natalie Portman worked herself into these thoughts/day dreams and now I've decided that it's only a matter of time before I run into Miss Portman in some spontaneous and hilarious manner, we exchange phone numbers and go out for coffee and a stroll in the park and live happily ever after.

What?! It could happen.

See? She even likes dogs! A must in my world.

Anyway: The lesson learned here is that Natalie Portman is the cure for loneliness. I feel fine now, imagining that my aloneness will be ended soon by Nat. Or maybe I actually feel a little commitmentphobia coming on... Either way, it gets my mind off of my lonely tomb stone in the rain (because it's definitely raining in my bleak lonely future).

The lesbians are everywhere!

Lately, everywhere I look there's lesbians. Granted, at times I rely solely on my gaydar to identify these queer women, but still. It seems spring has brought us lovely warm weather and lesbians in droves. It might be that I've recently moved into a particularly lesbian-populated neighborhood. I didn't know this was lesbo-ville at the time, but I'm not complaining that I meet several dykes every time I take my dog for a walk. It's quite nice actually.

I will admit that my gaydar is slightly over-sensitive. I believe it reacts not only to self-identified bi/lesbian/queer women but also to women who have secret fantasies about women or at some time had a crush on Angelina Jolie. Also, gender study majors totally throw my gaydar off. Good thing The Ex sees the same things I see, so at least I'm not hallucinating completley. Walking back to my place after a long walk around town she too started noticing how LPs (Lesbian Potentials) kept popping up everywhere. And the closer we got to my place the more there were.

I googled "potential lesbian" and this is what I found:

Who knew LP = a young Julie Andrews?

But then if you look at the picture... it kind of makes sense.

Need more proof that I live within some kind of lesbian magnetic forcefield? Remember how I went out this past weekend? For once I mingled lots and met a bunch of new people. Then on Monday I met one of the women from the club at the local grocery store, shopping with her girlfriend, and then another of the women from the club was working behind the counter at the local post office.

Uhuh.

The morning after...

I woke up next to someone I barely knew. Which isn't associated with any shame on my part, not at all. In fact, I would've shook my own hand, done the wave and shouted "YAY ME!"... if it weren't for coming to the realization that my accomplishment of picking up a girl and bringing her home with me didn't lead to ending my sexual dryspell. But let's start at the beginning. First things first: I suck at picking up girls. It's a well known fact that I simply cannot for the life of me get a girl to go home with me. My friends claim I don't even try. I claim that I have tried at times and taken blows to my self esteem in the process. Either way, yesterday a girl picked me up and I was feeling all special and stuff. Things were going so smoothly: She was showering me with compliments and I was ignoring all signs that she was crazy. And yes, there were signs to be ignored. She was literally telling me how she and her girlfriend had just separated and how she was going to therapy and was a really fucked up person... and I responded by asking her to come home with me. She accepted and I did a little dance of joy in my head. Walking home it became clear that she was more than a little drunk. I wasn't stone cold sober myself and when we got back to my place we tumbled into bed and I told her I always sleep naked and took all my clothes of. Once in bed we started making out and all was wonderful until she all of a sudden stopped and said: "I'm not going to have sex with you tonight". "Um, okay...", I tentatively responded. She then started talking about how she just got out of a relationship and how messed up she is right now and maybe we could just sleep together without, ya know, sleeping together. I told her that was absolutely okay, like the gentlewoman I am. But I was a little disappointed, to be honest. I thought I was gonna have my first sapphic one-night stand... but no.

So this morning was akward, waking up naked next to a more or less fully clothed stranger and scrambling to put on clothes so as to not parade around naked in broad daylight more than necessary. Sleep Over Girl apologized profoundly for being so drunk and out of it the night before, we had coffee in my kitchen and realized we had very little in common (at least I did) and then I called her a cab, gave her my number and we parted with a hug. I doubt she'll call me and to tell the truth I'm kind of hoping she won't. Some things are just over before they begin and I've got a feeling this is one of those things, better left alone.

Expectations for a girls' night out

Tonight is girls' night at a local club and of course I have to be there. After all, I'm in dating mode at the moment and you never know who you're going to meet. Expectations, that's what it's all about. The trouble with expectations is that they come with potential disappointment attached. And man have I been disappointed after some of my girls' night experiences... I've had a lot of good times too at the club, that's for sure. And it seems some of my best memories are the ones from when I went out with friends, just for good fun and dancing and drinks and nothing else. It may be that the expectations for those nights have been edited in retrospect though, from "I hope I meet someone interesting" to " I hope I have a fun night with my friends". Regardless, there is some criteria that pretty much has to be fulfilled for a night to qualify as fun without romance/sex/dating potential/whatever:

• A large group of friends. It's not that we're incapable of having fun when it's just a small group of two or three, but the core group know each other so very well, we tend to end sticking to each other, whether it's on the dance floor or at the bar. When we're a large group there's more mingle possibilites, getting to know new people and such... And more drama!
• Speaking of which: Drama. There must be some form of it. Whether it's an unexpected (or expected for that matter) make-out session, a fight between girlfriends, exes, or just friends, a drunken confession of love... anything that makes for good gossip the day after.
• Someone must get very drunk. I don't know why that's a criteria, but it seems to be a common denominator for those great fun nights. Someone get's very drunk and makes a fool of themselves/create drama (see above). It's not always so much fun being that person, but hey, we've all been there.

The problem tonight is that there probably will be a large group going out, but they're not people I really want to be around... so that brings down the level of fun quite a bit. I tried to get The Ex to come along, but she had other plans and thus couldn't serve as my wing-woman tonight.

Still, I'm going to go out and I'm going to give high expectations another shot. Maybe I'll meet miss Right? Maybe I'll meet miss Right Now? Or maybe I'll just have a wonderful time making new friends and reconnecting with old ones? I'll deal with the potential disappointment tomorrow. Or the potential happiness. I'm hoping for the latter.