(So called) straight girl?

I used to pride myself on never falling for straight girls. In fact, I was never even attracted to straight women. Even when I didn't know anything about a woman's sexuality, chances were: if I was attracted to her, she was queer. But then again, sexuality can be very fluid. And right now I'm pretty damn attracted to a woman who very much identifies as straight. Could it be she just hasn't uncovered her inner lesbian yet? And more importantly: Could it be she just needs a little help uncovering said lesbian? Straight Girl is, although claiming to be decidedly heterosexual, expressing an interest in me. She's was a bit flirtatious last time I saw her (this weekend) and our common friends claim she has been talking quite a bit about me. So maybe Straight Girl ain't really so straight? Perhaps she's at the very least bi-curious?

Really this whole straight girl thing isn't as new to me as I'd like to make it seem. It seems that I attract straight people. Straight men hit on me, straight women hit on me... in fact, even gay guys take an interest in me (although completely non-romantic of course) when I'm out and about. The cruel hand that fate has dealt me is that everyone seems to find me somewhat interesting except the lesbians and bisexuals. But sometimes a "straight girl" is only a bisexual grrl in the making. Now, I really don't want to come across as a predatory lesbian (my friends will testify I'm anything but that) but let's look at the facts:

Women I've had sex with: 3 (yeah, I'm really no player)

Women I've had sex with where I've been their first woman: 3

Yup, 100 % shared their first experience of lesbian sex with me. (And I still haven't received my toaster oven! What's up with that?!) Of course, it should be said those girls weren't "straight girls" when I met them. They were girls who identified to various degrees as bi or at the very least bi-curious. And while I haven't slept with many girls I have made out with plenty (I'm a make out slut, it's true). And many of those were straight girls who'd had a few drinks and started to feel the need to experiment their way to self-discovery. And they decide to do it with me. I think there's something about me, maybe something safe, that allows them to fool around with me without threatening their existense too much. Maybe it's that I look so traditionally hetero? They know I'm gay, but they can sort of pretend like they're just making out with one of their straight girlfriends?

It's not even that I mind being some kind of transitionary station for bicurious girls. I just wonder why that is? And why all the out and proud dykes are refusing to flock to me the way I want them to?

Straight Girl though... I'm totally going for it. I'm in dating-mode and I'm unstoppable.

And the reasons keep on coming...

My dating comes in cycles. I'm single, I get bored (not to mention horny), I start thinking that I should find myself a girlfriend. So I go out on the prowl. I revisit gay community websites where I search through the profiles in my city, striking up cyber convoes that sometimes lead to meeting up. I go out to clubs with my friends and actually make an effort to talk to women and perhaps even ask for someone's phone number. I ask my friends to set me up on dates. And then comes the date. Sometimes one is enough for me to say "no more" and return to the comfort of my single life that suddenly doesn't seem boring at all, just very very safe. Sometimes I date a couple of women, not being deterred so easily. But I always end up in the same place: Thinking that all women (at least the queer ones) are insane, and reconsidering religion, since a convent seems like a perfectly viable option. Living a simple life that comes complete with eternal vows of celibacy... what's not to love? I've yet to actually end up in a convent, mainly because it seems religiousity seems to be a criteria for most, but I do always retreat to my apartment which isn't much different from a nunnery, at least as far as the amount of sex that goes on here. In fact, I think the nuns get way more action than I do. But that's a tangent. The point is, the cycle goes: Bored with single life - looking for dates - going on dates - running home, terrified - loving the safety of single life... and then back to bored with single life. So what is it about these dates that are so scary? Well, either they like me too much, as was the case with one very nice girl. She was pretty sane and everything. But, turns out she was either very prude or just completely asexual. All this girl wanted to do was cuddle. Once in a while she'd want to make out, but just for about 15 seconds, then it was all about the cuddling. I don't mind cuddling, but it was really to the point of something absurd. Cuddle Girl and I lasted about three weeks and then I moved on, breaking her heart in the process (which was absolutely horrible, sitting opposite her with her shaky lower lip and tears in her eyes). Then there was the girl I like to call simply Inner Journey Girl. GREAT chemistry, but she was absolutely bonkers. On our second date I felt the need to explain I didn't want to rush into anything, since I was sensing she was already in the process of looking up U-haul rates. She nodded her head in agreement and said it sounded like we were on the same page, and how she didn't want to rush into anything either. Yeah right. Two minutes later she was telling me how I was everything she ever searched for in a woman and how this was something she'd never felt before, and how did I feel about signing up for tango lessons? When I called her up a week later or so and said I didn't think we should see each other anymore I mentioned maybe I'd see her at the women's club we both frequent the upcoming Saturday. She rambled about how she wasn't sure she would be able to make it since she was planning a journey. A journey home. To the center of her. An inner journey. Hence nick-named Inner Journey Girl. So there they are: Two more reasons why I don't date much.

Conversations with an ex

I must say, I never quite got the whole thing about lesbian exes. I didn't understand why alla women who were at some point in a relationship with one another had to stay friends forever and ever after the love was over and done with. It's like it's some default setting: No matter how bad the break-up, former lovers drift into a new kind of relationship, a friendship built on past intimace..sis? Well, whatever, I never quite got it: But now I do. See now I have my own ex-lover turned friendship relationship and it's fantastic, I must say. We stay on the phone for hours talking about everything there is to talk about. We have the same taste in movies and music. We have interesting discussions on politics and current events. We talk about our past, the difficult teen years, our childhood. And about the future, what lies ahead. You know, normal friend stuff. But we also analyze our time toghether as a couple to bits and pieces, which easily turns some of our conversations into therapy sessions (really good ones at times!). We talk about sex. Which I do with my other friends as well, but let me tell you: It's on a whole different level when you're talking about sex with someone you've actually had sex with. And well, we talk about all those things that we talk about from that special perspective of having been in love with one another. We tease each other and people who don't know us tend to think that we're a couple when they first meet us. And I guess that's where it can get tricky... Because where is the line drawn between friendship and love? Personally, I don't believe in a strict line between the two. I think there's a continuum between the two and a whole lot of overlap between them. I think there are sexual friendships, romantic friendships, just plain friendships, friendly love, sexual love and so on and so on. And I don't know where The Ex and I stand in the chaos of words. All I know is this: We once were lovers, now we're not. But we're friends. Real good, supportive friends. And that's all I need to know.

Me and The Ex, had we been born some hundred years ago and looked completely different

Oh yeah, just to make clear: I still don't get the whole default "we have to be friends" settings. Come on ladies! Just because we went on a few dates does not mean we have to be bound to each other for life in some way. If we want to go our separate ways after two dates I say: "Lets!" If we think we're not a fit romantically speaking but we have great chemistry friendship-wise, I say: "Great!" But please please please explain to me why we should keep seeing each other for months after we realized we had nothing in common? (Or am I the only one who realizes these things?) Yup, I think we've just established reason nr 1 of why I don't date much. More to come!

Love at first sight: Fact or fiction?

I'm not one to believe in that romantic shit about love at first sight and soul mates and such... but then again, I sort of am. Let's just say I really want to believe in it but then my cynicism takes over and I settle into bitter mode in which I picture a life as a crazy lady living out in the woods where my only friends are my various pets (and possibly life size cardboard cutouts of beautiful women). The point is: Yesterday I met a beautiful woman. Or... well, I didn't so much meet her as stare at her from a distance. She was standing ahead of me and a colleague in the line for a lunch restaurant and she was just beautiful and she had one of those lovely and shy smiles that turned me into a shy, and probably drooling, girl. So basically I stood there, a few feet away from her, and stared shamelessly with my mouth wide-open for a few mintues. Then she ordered (writing down the order on a note pad since she was apparently deaf), got her food, and left. I slowly closed my mouth and turned to my colleague: "Damn, that girl was beautiful." To which my colleague replied with a little laugh and a "She was, huh?" And now she's gone and I'll probably never see her again... Which has led to my obsessing over love at first sight and how maybe the intense attraction I felt for this girl could have something to do with a potential connection between us. It's worth exploring... except she paralyzed me and I couldn't do shit until she left. And then it was too late. Maybe watching "Imagine Me and You" yesterday wasn't a good choice of movie? A story all about taking chances and an attraction so strong you can't ignore it. Alla wrapped up in the pink cloud that is a classical romantic comedy, of course. But yesterday it held some profound meaning to me... or maybe it was just PMS.

I am lesbian, hear me roar

So, first things first: My screenname. Though I have entitled myself "Anonymous Lesbian" it doesn't mean that I am in any way anonymous in my day to day life. I am out and proud in pretty much all realms of my life: With friends, family, at work, random people on the street... pretty much everyone. The reason I want to be anonymous here is simply so that I can gossip all about my life without giving away who I am. That way I can just tell any one who reads this so much more!

So who am I?

Without giving away too many details: I live in Sweden. I'm in my early twenties. I'm single and occassionally looking for a girlfriend (I am constantly discouraged by the slightly psychotic women I end up dating). And... well that will have to do. Shit, writing anonymously is tough. Anyway... much more to come.